The Winter Hawks are (not surprisingly) struggling through their eastern swing to Manitoba and Saskatchewan. Things got started with a 7-0 thumping in Regina, Saskatchewan, by the middle-of-pack, third-place Patriots. Sure, the Hawks were just coming off a 24 hour bus trip after a home loss to arch-rival Seattle. The Western Conference in general and the US Division in particular are weak this year (with the exceptions of Everett and Vancouver), and Portland is bottom of the pack. One Regina fan commented on the Network54 WHL forum that Portland was the worst team they’d seen through Regina in a long time. Big, dumb, slow and soft were words used to describe the Hawks. (I’ve long complained that the Hawks seem to really go for size over speed and skill, and I’m evidently not the only one to have noticed. It’s really hurting us now with the new zero-tolerance standards in the WHL.)

Next, the Hawks squeaked out a 4-3 win over East Division cellar dwellers Moose Jaw (Saskatchewan). Then came another thumpin’ (6-2) from first-place Brandon (Manitoba), and then a 3-0 shutout from a Saskatoon (Saskatchewan), a team with a similar record to Portland. The prairie has not been good to our left coast boys. (Seriously though, a lot of these guys are from the prairie, and the annual eastern swing gives their families a rare chance to see them play.)

The Hawks wrap up the trip with back-to-back games against second-place Prince Albert (Saskatchewan) and fifth-place Swift Current (Saskatchewan). Here’s hoping they pull off at least one win (Swift Current is doable) before the long bus ride back to P-town, where the boys face the the juggernaut of reigning WHL champs Vancouver this Saturday night.

So yesterday I’m going for a cuppa joe with my cubie neighbor, and he mentions that he and the clan went to Disney on Ice the night before. I called the wife, and before I knew it we had tickets for last night’s show (half price thanks to the Entertainment book). The kids, they loved it. Well, “love” may not be the correct word. They were a bit overwhelmed, I think. Little guy, who was dumbfounded throughout the show, finally broke his silence on the way home. “I will always remember this day,” he said.

The show, Disneyland Adventure Featuring the Incredibles, was (predictably) long on tech and short on literary value. The whole “On Ice” genre is a little weird to me to begin with. There’s always this sense of forcing together elements that really don’t belong together. At a basic level, there’s some really good skating, but the kids don’t care about that. Nobody cheered for the double and triple jumps these guys and gals were landing in costume in the midst of props and lights and smoke. Then there’s the awkward attempt at retelling part of the movie. The outline of the script could be done in 25 words or less. Most dialog serves only to setup the next action sequence. There is no irony, no appeal to grown-up humor, and no subtlety whatsoever. Just a ton of flash and sizzle. But that’s all I expected, really, having once before experienced Toy Story 2 On Ice.

Anyway, here’s a late Thursday Thirteen, which I will call Thirteen Things About Disney on Ice:

1. Disney on Ice is produced under license by Feld Entertainment.

2. Feld Entertainment got their start in the circus, as owners of Ringling Bros.

3. In 1979, Feld bought the Ice Follies and Holiday on Ice.

4. In 1981, Feld produced the first Disney on Ice show, and has held the exclusive license for Disney on Ice shows ever since.

5. Feld Entertainment employs 450 professional skaters in 8 shows touring continuously world-wide.

6. Who are these skaters? Good question… In the early days, they employed well-known Olympic skaters, but today you won’t find the names of the skaters anywhere. Not on programs and not on Web sites. I did find this one interview with a member of the chorus ensemble of Toy Story 2 On Ice. She’s been doing the same show for four years. Sheesh. What a grind that must be.

7. After all these years, and with all that crazy, overwhelming tech (lights! sound! pyrotechnics!), it still comes down to the pinwheel. In this show, it was performed by “robot copy” Syndrome’s army. During this, I leaned over to Wacky Mommy and whispered “Oglethorpe fucked her, you know.” She said “Huh?” “It’s true,” I said, “I heard it from a couple of guys. Ogilthorpe fucked the last girl on the pinwheel of the lce Stravaganza. That’s her, right there.” Then I yelled towards the ice, “Get yer butt in gear, for the love of Mike!” (I recorded the whole thing on my cell phone! No, seriously, if you don’t get the Slap Shot reference, you probably think I’m a real a-hole.)

8. If you want to skate with the anonymous hordes of Disney on Ice performers, you need to be 17 and have a high school diploma.

9. If you can’t skate, Feld may have an opportunity for you in Animal Care. You don’t need a diploma for this one. One area of responsibility is “manure pickup”.

10. If animal poop is a turn off, you may prefer the Circus Nursery Attendant position. One of the duties of this job is “Directs children in resting and toileting.” But you get to run away with the circus.

11. Disney on Ice has been performed in 45 countries on six continents.

12. Feld Entertainment is the single largest employer of figure skaters in the world.

13. “Well after that, we don’t have to go to Disneyland,” said Wacky Mommy on the train ride home. “Yes we do!” cried little miss missy. Damn it! Stupid sexy advertising!

Since I’ve become an amateur t-shirt designer in an attempt to support this site, I’ve learned a lot. One of the interesting
things is where antiwar hockey fans live. I’ve sold gear to folks where you might expect to find lefty hockey fans, places like Ontario, Oregon, California, Pennsylvania and New Jersey. But I’ve sold even more in Virginia, Ohio, Kansas (!), North Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Florida and Arizona. I’ve even sold a sticker to somebody in Hawaii.

One of the oddest lessons I’ve learned is that you never know what people are going to like. I’ve developed several designs over the last couple months, with these two tossed off just to try to hit on a theme:

The general idea being a star as the center of a distressed design. I had an old Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax t-shirt that I really liked, that was yellow with a blue star on the front, and I kind of wanted to hit on that.

The trouble was, the blue turns green against the yellow fabric with Cafe press’ dye sublimation process, and I didn’t want to mess around trying to get the color right. So I pretty much just left the design up there out of laziness. The “Pass. Shoot. Score!” shirt was another experiment using the star as a central theme, but I thought the design was too busy. But again, I just left it out there. Now, suddenly, both of these designs are selling like hot cakes. WTF?!? I was seriously going to pull both of them, and they’re both outselling any of my other, more refined designs. Both of these designs have been in the top five when you search on “hockey” at Cafe Press over the last few days (the “pass shoot score” design has recently fallen some, but it’s still on the first page of results).

There’s one design I haven’t sold any of yet, that’s specific to Oregon, Washington, BC and Alberta. The front says “Left Coast Hockey” and on the back, superimposed over the red star (I like stars!), are the cities of the Western Hockey League’s Western Conference:

I bought one for myself, and I plan on wearing it to a Winter Hawks game one of these nights.

Anyway, thank you to all who have bought my designs on Cafe Press. And don’t forget, if there is any issue with quality, please take advantage of the Cafe Press satisfaction guarantee. They like to fix things.

A junior B hockey fight spilled off the ice last week in Calgary, turning into a free-for-all that left a linesman unconcious after taking a kick to the head. All players and coaches from both teams were suspended indefinitely. Today, the league, Hockey Calgary, announced it was suspending two players for two years and one parent for one year from attending any junior hockey events in the city. A 21 year old spectator was charged with assault.

Repeat after me: It’s only a game.

Our two local Junior B teams provide a full slate of fights when they play, thanks to their respective dominance (Ft. Vancouver Pioneers) and fecklessness (River City Jaguars). When games get lopsided, the gloves come off. The Jaguars are 0 and 13 this year, so you know they’re frustrated. Especially when they’re on the receiving end of 16-2 thrasings. The Pioneers, on the other hand, lead the conference with a 12 and 2 record. Not much to build a cross-town rivalry on, so I’ve pretty much stayed away from the local Junior B scene this year.

Portland may be looking at the cellar of the WHL’s U.S. Division in this rebuilding year, but we’ve still made somebody’s top ten list. From Terry Frei on ESPN SportsTravel:

MAJOR JUNIOR HOCKEY WITH THE PORTLAND WINTER HAWKS
Oregon, not Maine.

First, sample one of the game’s most heated rivalries, driving on Interstate 5 to catch barn-to-barn Western Hockey League games between the Winter Hawks and the Seattle Thunderbirds.

The best set this season is February 2 in Portland at the glass palace, Memorial Coliseum, which is where Cam Neely, Glen Wesley and Marian Hossa, among others, played; and where Bill Walton played when he didn’t talk at all, much less so darned much. Stick around after the game as long-time radio voice Dean “Scooter” Vrooman hosts “Hawk Talk” and visits with a Portland player on the ice, with the sound heard both in the arena and on the radio. Then catch the rematch the next night at Seattle.

Eat at Huber’s in Portland, having the turkey and the famous Spanish coffee afterwards. Dine at Ray’s Boathouse in Seattle, but be sure you allow enough time because of the gridlock traffic and take great care not to get on the Lake Washington bridge accidentally because there’s no turning back for miles.

There also is a slight chance it could be raining, so take an umbrella. And don’t let it bother you that you’re pretty much watching a bunch of Canadian teenagers playing under the Canadian Hockey League umbrella.

If you want to extend the trip, you could follow the Hawks to Kelowna, Prince George, and Kamloops, all in British Columbia.

Anybody who’s ever played hockey (or lived with someone who does) knows there is a special stink that grows on hockey gear after just a couple uses. It is unlike any stink in sports. Why’s it so bad? Well, consider the environment: cool, damp and sweaty as hell. Hockey pads being what they are (lots of foam rubber sewn into layers of synthetic fabric and plastic), the gear never fully dries out if you play regularly. I think you’re getting the picture.

So when the Everett Silvertips announced free admission for fans dressed in full hockey gear, there were some raised eyebrows on the WHL e-mail forum. And the Everett quips started pretty quickly. “I think I’d rather pay the $10 than have to show up with all that stinky gear on. Then again, most Everett fans smell pretty bad anyway so maybe this is a real deal for them,” snarked on Portland fan. “Perhaps they can get some of these participants to drink 8-10 beers as well…Everett Silvertips …’our fans act as bad as they smell’,” suggested another list contributor.

Now, I’m reading these comments, feeling like there’s just something…. well, more weird than meets the eye. The next comment jarred my memory: “They left off the part about how after the game the participating fans will be loaded onto a bus and taken for a four hour drive by Kevin Constantine.”

Constantine, the head coach and general manager of the Silvertips, was fined $5000 and suspended four games in September after he forced his team to ride the bus home in their full game gear after a pre-season loss.

So either the folks in the Silvertips’ front office are having some fun with this, or the joke’s on them. Not sure which, but it gave me a good chuckle. What’s really funny is the list of gear that’s required to get in with “no exceptions”(!):

Hockey Helmet
Shoulder Pads
Elbow Pads
Hockey Pants
Hockey Shin Pads
Hockey Socks
Favorite Hockey Jersey
Gloves are optional
(No Sticks or Skates Allowed)

If they catch you with a jersey that’s not your favorite, you will be ejected.

Ah, the long wait is over, and hockey season is upon us in all its glory! Wacky Mommy and I went to the Winter Hawks’ home opener Saturday at the old Memorial Coliseum and got our first look at this year’s young team in action against a real opponent and all the pagentry of opening night. It was resplendant with pratfalls, real live veterans (it’s Veterans’ Memorial Coliseum, doncha know), young children in their hockey gear, and the new president mumbling a few words in the dark at center ice before dropping the ceremonial puck. I’m what Scooter calls a “traditional hockey fan” who just wants to get the game going. I don’t give a rip about the smoke and stobe lights and rock music and platitudes about how the new owners are going to return the “Glass Palace” to its former glory.

But anyway, they really try to pump things up for the home opener, which means they introduce the whole team. The team mascot came out before hand and skated around the ice to pump up the crowd, while trying to avoid the rug they put out for the vets (oops, hit that and took a dive), the strobe lights they strung out on the ice in front of the tunnel (managed to miss those), and the cable for the on-ice camera (oops, hit that and nearly dragged the camera man and his gaffer to the ice). Then they introduced… wait for it… this year’s Portland! Junior Hawks mite team! Okay, the massive crowd of 5,400 (oops, forgot to run any ads for opening weekend) seemed a tad deflated as the little guys and gals stumbled out of the tunnel and formed two lines between which the big Hawks would soon come. But they were having a hard time standing on the ice in the dark, and they were tripping on the aforementioned strobe lights. For a moment, I thought the trusses with the spotlights might be dragged to the ice, but things managed to get straigtened out enough to finally(!) introduce the team. Every. Single. Player. One. By. One.

The Hawks have gone to a 7:30 start time this year, but by now we were looking at 7:45. Then managing partner and president Jack Donovan came out with his vet friends and delivered some underwhelming paltitudes and easy cheer lines about the guys who fought for our freedom. Somwhere in there, the visiting Kelowna (B.C.) rockets came out in the dark, carefully avoided tripping over the rug, and took up their spots on the blue line. After the cermonial puck drop, we were treated to squeals of feedback obscuring the first several bars of Oh Canada, then “That Song the Girl Sings at the Hockey Game”, a.k.a. the Star Spangled Banner (so called by my 7 y.o. daughter). At our house the song ends “…and the home of the brave. Drop the puck!” The puck didn’t actually drop until 7:50.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a big supporter of the team. And I’m patiently awaiting all the big changes promised by Donovan and company (new replay screens and Coliseum improvements chief among them). But they’ve been talking really big, and were really pumping up expectations. What we saw was a Coliseum virtually unchanged from last season (including the leftover kegs of beer by some accounts), a disappointing turn-out, and an overblown, over-long opening ceremony.

But hey, wait a minute! There was a hockey game, too! And it turns out the Winter Hawks showed some serious spunk against fellow cellar dwellars Kelowna. The final score was an impressive sounding 5-2. Veteran Hawks forward Nick Hotson came up just short of a hat trick, and not for lack of trying. Hawks also got goals from rookie Euro import Viktor Sjodin, veteran d-man Max Gordichuk, and an empty netter to cap things off by newly aquired over-ager Rob Klinkhammer. Klinkhammer, traded from Seattle for a future draft pick, aquitted himself pretty well except for giving Kelowna 3 of their 6 power plays, one of which led to one of their two goals. Gordichuk is back from wrist surgery and looking great. Sjodin looks like a keeper, and Hotson was playing the way we need all our vets to play.

Sunday night, I watched the first of the Winter Hawks TV games. They’re broadcasting 30 of their 36 home games on local cable this year, at the expense of cutting all radio. That works for me (road games are still going to have free Web-cast audio), but it’s really pissed off a lot of old timers. Anyway, we were told they were pulling out all the stops, and they were going to be “NHL quality”. Now, Himself believes one should not set expectations too high, lest one set oneself up for failure. To put it charitably, Sunday’s TV game was not NHL quality. We should probably just leave it at that. Oh, and it’s not going to be NHL-quality. Sorry Scooter and Andy. You guys do a great job, but the team isn’t spending the kind of money they’d need to spend to get NHL-quality telecasts (nor should they). The game was another win for Portland against another weak team, this time a record 12-round shoot out win against the Kamloops (B.C.) Blazers. Portland got regulation-time goals from Gordichuk and Klinkhammer, and rookie Tristan King won the shoot out. The official attendance was (ahem) 3023. Combined attendance of the two opening weekend games would be a respectable opening night turnout. But the new owners have “other priorities” besides selling tickets, so we’re all just supposed to be patient.

Speaking of color-guy Andy Kemper, he’s got his After the Whistle blog back online, only this time it’s a real blog with comments and all. Welcome back Andy! I’m going to put a link to his blog on this site one of these days.

Whew. So that’s the rundown of the local Major Junior hockey team.

The NHL season opened last night, and we were treated with a rematch between the Carolina Hurricanes and the team they eliminated before going to the Stanley Cup Final last year, the Buffalo Sabres. I only caught highlights, mostly looking for contributions from former Winter Hawk and local boy Paul Gaustad. Not such a great night for Paul, whose main contribution was a power play to Carolina on a holding call (either the replay didn’t show it, or the refs made a bad call). His second penalty, a brutal hit from behind into the boards, was negated when Carolina’s Eric Cole retaliated with his fists. Then, in the third, he took a stick to the face. Like I said, not such a good night for Paulie. I’m sure he’ll come around. And, by the way, that, my friends, was an NHL-quality broadcast.

Last spring I wrote about Alex Charns and his seminal role in the hockey protest movement. At that time, Alex mentioned a joining-up of Canes and Oilers fans outside the RBC Center during the Stanley Cup Final, and now I’ve got the proof:

It’s heartening to see rival hockey fans from two different countries coming together with a message of peace.

I told Alex I have to root for the Sabres against the Canes in their season opener next Wednesday, since Portland hero Paul Gaustad is playing for Buffalo. He understands.

Alex wrote a great book about picking up recreational hockey during the NHL lockout, and his belief that a magic puck would save us all from the wrath of Dubya. It’s a great read. I keep meaning to review it here, and maybe I will someday. Or maybe I just did. Here: Buy this book!

Hockey season is upon us: WHL started last week; NHL next week. Our home-town season opener is this Saturday, and we’ll be there with bells on. (Not literally; I really don’t like the cowbell thing at hockey games.) I’m back at the rink on a pretty regular basis, too. I’ve hit the ice twice already this week, and I also plan on skating Friday. Which brings us (with less ado than usual) to this week’s Thursday Thirteen: Thirteen Awesome Things About Playing Pickup Ice Hockey!

1. It’s an incredible cardio workout. It is a sprint sport. An hour of ice time gets your heart and lungs conditioned like nothing else I can think of. (Of course, there are some eggheads who want to rain on my parade, showing how it might be dangerous for your heart.)

2. It’s outrageous fun. I mean, even on a bad day, when I suck even more than usual, it’s more fun than just about anything I can think of. It must be the closest thing to flying, short of… well, flying.

3. There’s a certain primitive comraderie. It took me a while to get a feel for it, since there’s not a lot of chit chat. Just a lot of sweating and physical play. It feels kind of good to shove a guy out of the crease or battle for the puck in the corner. You’re all padded up, so it doesn’t hurt (much), and nobody takes it personally (usually). The guy who you just stole the puck from could be on your team next session (or next shift), so even while being fully competitive, everybody’s pretty mellow. There’s no checking unless you want to. Sometimes guys mistake me for someone who wants to, and I just retaliate by taking the puck from them.

4. In the time it takes to put on your shin guards and hockey socks, pull on your hockey pants, lace up your skates, strap on your elbow pads, put on the shoulder pads, wiggle into your jersey, don a helmet and gloves and brandish a big stick, you are transformed from working joe into gladiator. You are two or three inches taller, 35 pounds heavier and armed with a couple pounds of lumber. Anything that was weighing on your mind before you suited up is gone well before your blades touch the ice.

5. When your blades finally touch ice, you are liberated from friction. As you take your first strides across the ice sheet with the cool air on your face, you can feel the tension melt away.

6. The first 15 minutes or so of the session, you just skate around, warming up and working on edges. Or pass the puck with a buddy. Or shoot on the goalie or against the boards. Then the game is on. Sides are chosen based on who’s wearing what color. Typically, it’s something like white and red against blue, gray, black, yellow and green, or white and gray against black and red, but the guy in maroon is on the other side, or there’s two guys with aqua jerseys, and the guy with the white helmet is on our side and the other guy, he’s not playing, he’s just putting around. At any rate, we usually get a good 5-on-5 scrimmage going, and if we’re lucky we’ve got a couple subs per side and a couple goalies. It usually takes a few shifts to figure out who’s on which side, and even then I always end up making at least one or two solid tape-to-tape passes to a guy on the other side because I can’t keep all the colors straight. If we’re short, we’ll play 4-on-4, or 3-on-3 half ice. It’s like herding cats at first, but the anarchy always falls into a groove of some sort.

7. It’s a great equalizer. I skate with surgeons, house painters, software engineers, insurance salesmen, motorcycle mechanics, lawyers and rink rats. The age range is about 8-70 (literally). The doctors and lawyers have nicer sticks and skates, but they’re definitely not the best players. It’s those blue collar guys from Jersey and Quebec and Minnesota with the wood sticks and battered skates you’ve got to watch out for. And the longer I skate, the less often I’m the slowest guy out there. Nice.

8. No penalties. No shame. No icing. No goalies? No problem! Puck has to hit the pipes to score. But nobody keeps track of goals. No pressure.

9. If you’re in the lower 48, you gain entry into an exclusive club where everybody speaks the same language (that nobody outside the club speaks). Talk hockey to your heart’s content in the locker room, and nobody’s eyes glaze over, and nobody tries to talk about basketball. It’s a beautiful thing for a hockey fan to be among others who understand. (You Canadians probably don’t get this one, since you’re all in that club even if you don’t play. It’s a US thing.)

10. Water from a filthy porcelain water fountain never tasted so good.

11. When work is a drag, it’s gives you a reason to get out the door in the morning. Just a few hours at the job before it’s stick time!

12. It’s a healthy, constructive outlet for aggressive energy. Nothing like an hour of hard skating to dissipate some anger.

13. Fun + excercise = what’s the catch? It definitely doesn’t seem right that something this fun would be good for you. There’s got to be a catch… Oh yeah, it’s kind of expensive. $7.20 a session to skate, plus several hundred dollars worth of gear. But I think it’s worth it. Totally guilt free pleasure!

See you at the rink!

The beer at the old Memorial Coliseum, that is, where the Portland Winter Hawks will play their home opener this Saturday. The natives are definitely restless over at the Oregon Live fan forum, with a handful so bitter about the killing of the radio deal they are convinced the new ownership group is bent on driving the franchise into the ground.

Never mind the piles of money they’re dumping into the old Coliseum and media marketing. The fact that this is a rebuilding year for the Hawks is somehow pinned on the new owners and their lack of savvy in marketing the team. At least by forum gadfly MrCS, who maintains that Donovan should have taken over on the condition that Hodge fire head coach Mike Williamson at the end of last year.

The fact is, Jack Donovan took over the business side of the team and left the hockey operations to long-time GM Ken Hodge. A prudent move, since he has no hockey experience. Even if he knew hockey, it wouldn’t make sense to walk right in and micromanage the hockey side. For the record, I am not a supporter of Mike Williamson. He’s a real nice guy, but he’s had his chance to do something with the Winter Hawks. But given that this is a rebuilding year (and would be under any management), with only a handful of returning vets (none of them proven scorers), it wouldn’t make much difference if Deputy Dog were head coach. We’d still be rebuilding, and an odds-on favorite to be the one team in the US division to miss the playoffs.

My bottom-line take: Win or lose, t’s still the best game in town. Even if it’s only on the visiting team, we’re going to see some first-rate hockey played by futre NHL stars in the classic Memorial Colisuem with tasty beer poured from freshly replaced lines, and eventually watching replays on the best replay screens in town. The new kids are going to be fun to watch develop, and a couple of them might have some surprises in store for us (Frazee, Sjodin, Langweider).

(By the way, in case you aren’t paying attention, the Hawks lost their first two games on the road 6-3 to Kamloops and 9-0 to Vancouver. Ouch.)