My coworker has me on a Bollywood crash course. Evidently, you don’t know Bollywood if you don’t know the classic 1960 film Mughal-e-Azam (The Emperor of the Mughals). This film has everything: love, war, music and dance. It was shot (mostly) in black and white, with critical scenes in Technicolor, then re-released in 2004 fully colorized.

When I watch “foreign” (i.e. non-U.S.) films, sometimes the actors start to seem familiar in strange ways. It took me a while to figure out that Akbar (Prithviraj Kapoor) reminded me — a lot — of Jed Clampett (Buddy Ebsen). Turns out they were born within a year of each other.

Then I start to think the Anarkali (the beautiful Madhubala) looks a lot like Cher (Madhubala was about ten years older than Cher).

By the time I get to the end of the film, I’m sure I’ll find a match for Salim.

Details:

• Saturday February 28
• Doors open at 5:30pm
• Event begins at 6pm
• Limited seating – Tickets: sliding scale $5 to $10
• Musicians Union Hall, 325 NE 20th Ave., Portland, Ore.
• For tickets call: Dan Shea 503.661.1317, or e-mail djshea@hotmail.com

Fundraiser for PCASC’s anti-war delegation is an effort to cultivate ties of international solidarity between activists for peace and social justice in the US and Venezuela.

Proceeds from this event will go to help send IVAW (Iraq & Afghanistan Veterans Against the War) along with a PCASC delegation as observers to witness and to report back on the recent elections, supports and oppositions to the Government of Venezuela. An event is being arranged in Caracas to have a Winter Soldier hearing (eyewitness reports by IVAW) on US policies that have endangered the lives of our military men and women and innocent Iraqi civilians leading to war crimes and reasons why members of IVAW are refusing to redeploy, or to further participate in the occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan. IVAW is organizing active military soldiers to join them in building a GI resistance movement and to advocate for returning veterans rights, jobs, benefits and healing by working for peace and reintegration into our communities.

• www.ivaw-oregon.org
• www.ivaw.org

If you cannot attend or if the screening is sold-out but you want to help support this effort and would like to make a tax-deductible contribution you can write a check to Education WithOut Borders, earmark PCASC/IVAW 2009; mail to: EWOB, 19716 NE Flanders, Portland , OR 97230.

Besides being a great actor, Newman protested the war in Vietnam, was proud to be on Richard Nixon’s enemy list, and helped save The Nation when it faced economic troubles (here’s John Nichols on Newman in The Nation yesterday), among other things. And he did his own skating in Slap Shot. What more could you want from a guy?

Like Wacky Mommy said about him and Joanne Woodward, “It’s not like they were out taking off their panties in public and having nervous breakdowns in their SUVs.” No, Newman was a class act.

Thank you, Paul Newman for showing the world how to do it right. I’m going to go watch Slap Shot right now.

The show, Disneyland Adventure Featuring the Incredibles, was (predictably) long on tech and short on literary value. The whole “On Ice” genre is a little weird to me to begin with. There’s always this sense of forcing together elements that really don’t belong together. At a basic level, there’s some really good skating, but the kids don’t care about that. Nobody cheered for the double and triple jumps these guys and gals were landing in costume in the midst of props and lights and smoke. Then there’s the awkward attempt at retelling part of the movie. The outline of the script could be done in 25 words or less. Most dialog serves only to setup the next action sequence. There is no irony, no appeal to grown-up humor, and no subtlety whatsoever. Just a ton of flash and sizzle. But that’s all I expected, really, having once before experienced Toy Story 2 On Ice.

Anyway, here’s a late Thursday Thirteen, which I will call Thirteen Things About Disney on Ice:

1. Disney on Ice is produced under license by Feld Entertainment.

2. Feld Entertainment got their start in the circus, as owners of Ringling Bros.

3. In 1979, Feld bought the Ice Follies and Holiday on Ice.

4. In 1981, Feld produced the first Disney on Ice show, and has held the exclusive license for Disney on Ice shows ever since.

5. Feld Entertainment employs 450 professional skaters in 8 shows touring continuously world-wide.

6. Who are these skaters? Good question… In the early days, they employed well-known Olympic skaters, but today you won’t find the names of the skaters anywhere. Not on programs and not on Web sites. I did find this one interview with a member of the chorus ensemble of Toy Story 2 On Ice. She’s been doing the same show for four years. Sheesh. What a grind that must be.

7. After all these years, and with all that crazy, overwhelming tech (lights! sound! pyrotechnics!), it still comes down to the pinwheel. In this show, it was performed by “robot copy” Syndrome’s army. During this, I leaned over to Wacky Mommy and whispered “Oglethorpe fucked her, you know.” She said “Huh?” “It’s true,” I said, “I heard it from a couple of guys. Ogilthorpe fucked the last girl on the pinwheel of the lce Stravaganza. That’s her, right there.” Then I yelled towards the ice, “Get yer butt in gear, for the love of Mike!” (I recorded the whole thing on my cell phone! No, seriously, if you don’t get the Slap Shot reference, you probably think I’m a real a-hole.)

8. If you want to skate with the anonymous hordes of Disney on Ice performers, you need to be 17 and have a high school diploma.

9. If you can’t skate, Feld may have an opportunity for you in Animal Care. You don’t need a diploma for this one. One area of responsibility is “manure pickup”.

10. If animal poop is a turn off, you may prefer the Circus Nursery Attendant position. One of the duties of this job is “Directs children in resting and toileting.” But you get to run away with the circus.

11. Disney on Ice has been performed in 45 countries on six continents.

12. Feld Entertainment is the single largest employer of figure skaters in the world.

13. “Well after that, we don’t have to go to Disneyland,” said Wacky Mommy on the train ride home. “Yes we do!” cried little miss missy. Damn it! Stupid sexy advertising!

If you’re not familiar with music and hockey, here are the similarities between bass players and defensemen:

• you set and control the tempo of the play
• nobody notices when you’re playing great, but everyone notices when you fuck up
• you feed the (soloist/forward) the (musical idea/puck) and they take it and (wail/score), then take all the glory
• you work your ass off continuously, (set/shift)-in and (set/shift)-out, holding the whole show together
• you are on the back line, standing behind the rest of the (band/team) with (the drummer/other d-man), giving you a broader perspective of the play as it unfolds
• it’s such a fine line between clever and stupid

So when I say “All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Hockey,” it’s only partly in jest. Anyway, here’s the list, found somewhere out there on the internet. Like the list above, you can make substitutions for whatever endeavor you pursue.

• Respect your opponent
• Show up every night
• Play for more than your paycheck
• Be loyal to your team
• Practice
• Be willing to make mistakes
• Hate losing
• Instigate, don’t retaliate
• Curse, but don’t boast
• It’s good to be the underdog
• Wrestle when you have to; find openings where you can
• Do anything to win
• Nothing is worth ending someone’s career or their life
• Life is much better with a Zamboni than without one
• Learn to speak obscenities in a dozen languages
• It matters where you’re from, but it matters a lot more how you play
• Never give up, never surrender
• Never work for anyone named Bobby Clarke
• Never try to teach a goon to skate-it won’t work and it will only annoy the goon. Then, the goon will annoy you
• Try to ignore the guys in suits with Penzoil on their heads
• You can’t win without the grinders
• If you only get to play 20 games, be the best 20-game player you can be
• Love something frivolous. Love it beyond all reason
• Be willing to get hurt
• No one is too good to score ugly goals
• Shower
• Speed is more important than size. Heart is more important than either
• If you think you can do it, you can
• Do not feed or tease the goalie
• Spend two months a year clinically insane
• After the fight, shake hands
• Spaghetti has all the nutrients you’ll ever need
• Moaning about how badly you suck is pointless, and will only annoy your teammates
• Just say no to the foil
• Avoid anyone who has been hit by a Zamboni
• The rules can always be changed
• The rules are often changed, apparently at random
• Rules? What rules?
• Look for the play
• You have to spend money to win
• Spending money will never guarantee a win
• Don’t expect other Americans to understand. When you find some who do, treat them like long-lost friends
• Two minutes, in the box, by yourself — you feel shame. Then you get free
• Appreciate genius
• Fly