WackyMommy requests that I print my “Rules for ex-girlfriends” that I once sent to a good friend who was dating somebody, er, close to Wacky Mommy. It was written in an ironic tone, but Wacky Mommy and the person, er, close to her who was dating my friend both thought the rules were perfectly reasonable.

Here are a few rules regarding ex-girlfriends:

1. Ex-girlfriends are not to be mentioned in any kind of positive light.

   For example:

   WRONG: “Lisa was a really good cook”
   RIGHT: “God, Lisa was such a slob. She burned everything she tried to cook.”

   NOTE: this rule is especially important with regard to anatomy, i.e.never, ever say anything even neutral about an ex-girlfriend’s body.

   WRONG: “Carla tried to stay in shape.”
   REALLY, REALLY WRONG: “Carla had such great breasts.”
   RIGHT: “Damn, Carla’s such a ho! I can’t believe I slept with her!”

2. Ex-girlfriends do not get access to you, especially alone.
   

   WRONG: “Sally called and might stop by when you’re at work.”
   RIGHT: “Sally called. God, she’s so insecure. She said she wanted to see me, but I told her to get lost.”

3. Current girlfriend does not want to meet any ex-girlfriend, no matter how healthy your breakup was, or what good friends you were before and after the relationship.
   

   WRONG: “I’d really like you to meet Michelle. I think you two would really get along.”
   RIGHT: “I sure wish Michelle would get a clue that I don’t want to have anything to do with her now that I’ve met the woman of my dreams.”

4. Ex-girlfriends have a single agenda: sex with you and elimination of current girlfriend as a barrier to that. (This rule is a corallary of the “Men are stupid; women are evil” law.)
5. Ex-girlfriends are not welcome at any parties you may be having.
6. New rules may be added at any time, as any given ex-girlfriend situation presents itself. You are expected to anticipate the addition of new rules and act accordingly. Once a new rule is added, it must be acknowledged and obeyed as if It Has Always Been The Law. When in doubt, you should always view an ex-girlfriend as a vile temptress, unworthy of even a casual thought.

I learned most of these the hard way myself. I don’t think they’re right or even vaguely reasonable. It is what it is. You can try to fight it with logic. You can beg and plead. You might even get a pass on the first violation of a given rule. But ultimately, the rules prevail.

You will also eventually find out that all of these rules apply only to you, and not to current girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends. You can expect to hear all about how “Joe” was really good at fixing things, for example, or have the pleasure of meeting “John”, who just happened to stop by current girlfriend’s house for a visit while you were at work. In these situations, it is asking for a fight to try to apply ex-girlfriend rules to ex-boyfriends. It’s just different. You should know that by now. How would you know anything about what motivates an ex-boyfriend anyway?

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 13th, 2006 at 10:02 am and is filed under Humor, Me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.